Your Love Is King Read online

He stood from the couch and picked up his duffel bag. I watched as he walked toward the front door and then turned and looked at me. “Please wait for me, Marli.”

  I looked at him but didn’t reply. After he walked out the door and shut it behind him, I leaned back against the sofa and cried like a baby. I should’ve told him that I might be pregnant. I knew I should’ve, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of him sticking around only for that reason. The last relationship of mine that was based on an unplanned pregnancy had ended disastrously. I just couldn’t go through that again.

  I sat there for most of the night and listened to my phone ring over and over again. I ignored the calls from Chris, Tiffany, Chris’s parents, and Carla. I sat there and tried to figure out what to do. Should I actually stay here in Chris’s condo and wait for him? Should I go back to Arkansas? Or should I just leave for someplace else altogether new? I had enough money saved up to start a new life anywhere I wanted to.

  Finally, I left Chris’s place and drove to the club where I’d first met him. Disregarding the possibility of being pregnant, I ordered a drink, sat at a corner table, and nursed my sorrows. When a tall, average-looking brother approached me, I let him sit at my table and woo me with a bunch of corny come-ons and pick-up lines. And when he invited me to his hotel room, I readily accepted.

  In his room, I let him kiss me and caress me and undress me while I closed my eyes and pretended that he was the man I loved. I tried to feel Chris’s touch in this stranger’s hands. I tried to feel Chris’s lips in this man’s kisses. I tried to feel Chris’s love through this man’s lust. I tried, but I failed. As the man continued on his quest to consummate our one-night union, I gently pushed against him to stop him.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked in a voice that was not Chris’s.

  My answer was to grab my purse and excuse myself to the bathroom. I sat my purse on the side of the tub and stared at myself in the mirror. My purse tumbled into the tub, spilling its contents, and as I grabbed my personal items and shoved them back into the purse, I noticed the small drugstore sack. Then I heard Chris’s voice echo in my mind: “You’re worth so much more than that.” That’s when I snapped out of it. That’s when I realized what I was doing.

  I clutched the bag and sat on the toilet and sobbed loudly. Jerry or Barry, or whatever he said his name was, knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay, and I just kept crying. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, I apologized to him, redressed, and quietly left the room.

  Twenty-Four

  “Somebody Already Broke My Heart”

  I smiled as I walked out onto the back deck of my rented cabin and took a seat at the patio table. I brought my cup of decaf coffee to my lips, took a sip, and opened the newspaper. I took a deep breath and breathed in the cool, March morning air. I’d always wanted to live in Hot Springs, and shortly after Chris left, I packed my things and headed back to Arkansas. In no time, I found a nice cabin located right on Lake Hamilton and moved in. Now, three months later, I remained there—alone, but content.

  I looked out across the lake and then down at my growing belly. I never wanted to raise another child alone, but I was actually excited about this new baby. It felt like a fresh start for me in a lot of ways. I would be able to raise this baby without any interference from my family, and that alone made me feel better about the whole situation.

  I spoke with Chris’s family from time to time, but I hadn’t told them about the baby. His mother was especially upset about how things had turned out. After he left St. Louis, he’d grown even more distant from everyone in his family. They barely heard from him at all.

  He did manage to call me from time to time, but I never answered. I just didn’t see the point. He’d made his decision. After promising to never leave me and begging me to stay with him, he’d left. There wasn’t much I felt we needed to say to one another at that point. When the baby was born, I’d tell him because I knew he had a right to be a part of his or her life, but other than that, there was nothing between us except for some beautiful memories. That’s all there would ever be between us.

  Tiffany was still doing well at Spelman, but she’d changed her major to art history. As it turned out, she’d always dreamed of being a museum curator but was afraid of disappointing me, my father, and the rest of our family. I was thrilled she decided to pursue a career that she chose instead of one someone else chose for her.

  The unexpected buzzing of my cell phone stirred me out of my thoughts. It was Carla. She and Bryan were still working hard to salvage their marriage, but things didn’t look too promising for them.

  “Hey, girl,” I said.

  “Hey! Just checking on you and the little one. How’re you feeling? How are things there?”

  “We’re good. Everything went well at the doctor’s yesterday. And I’ve found a really nice church here, met some great people. I even have a prayer partner now.”

  “Good. And how are you otherwise?”

  I knew what she was getting at. “I’m good, Carla. Really I am.”

  “Okay…”

  “Okay, huh?”

  “Well, I just don’t understand why you won’t tell Chris, that’s all.”

  I sighed. We’d been over and over that subject time and time again. “Carla, I have my reasons. You know that.”

  “Well, I’m just saying, Marli, the man was in pain. He’d just lost his son. You can’t hold his actions against him.”

  “Carla, I’m not mad at him, and I’m not holding anything against him. I know Chris. If he knew I was pregnant, he’d come right back to me—he wouldn’t have left in the first place.”

  “Duh, then why won’t you tell him?”

  “Because if he comes back for the baby, I’ll never know if he really loves me or if he’s just with me out of some sense of duty.”

  “Of course he loves you. You know that.”

  “Do I? I mean, he left me, remember?”

  “Marli, look. You’re making this whole thing be about you. Remember how you told me I was being selfish back when I was on that sexual bender in St. Louis? How I was making what Bryan did all about me?”

  “Well, yeah, but this is hardly the same thing.”

  “Yes, it is. You’re being selfish, only considering your own feelings. It’s got to be the pregnancy hormones that have you acting like this. The man lost his child, Marli. His little boy. Neither you nor I can even begin to know what that feels like. He couldn’t have known how to cope with that. You should’ve stayed your behind in that condo and been waiting there with open arms for him when he finished that tour. No, actually, you should’ve married him long ago instead of punishing the man for being rich. Who does that? That is just about the craziest thing I’ve ever seen or heard.”

  I sighed heavily. “Haven’t we been through this? I wasn’t punishing him, Carla. And it wasn’t about him being rich; it was about him keeping it from me. And besides, I apologized for that.”

  “Yeah, you did, and now you owe him another apology. I’m telling you, he is a good man—one of the best I’ve ever known. You never should’ve left St. Louis.”

  “Carla, I couldn’t stay there and wait for him. What kind of relationship would we have if I did that? The future would’ve been full of cycles of him running away every time things got difficult, and he would’ve always expected me to stay and wait for him. I can’t live like that.”

  “Okay, maybe you’re right, but what are you gonna do, Marli? Raise another baby on your own when Chris is out there and you’re still in love with him?”

  I opened my mouth to reply and then shut it. There was no use in denying the truth. I did still love Chris… and I missed him.

  “Uh-huh, you know I’m right. You need to call him, Marli. Or at least answer his calls. And you need to tell him. He has a right to know about this baby, his baby.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Honestly, Carla, at this point I’m scared to tell him.”

 
“Why?”

  “Because I’m afraid he’ll be angry with me for keeping it from him.”

  “The longer you wait, the more likely he’ll be angry.”

  “I know… but what if he’s so angry he won’t want anything to do with me?”

  “That’ll never happen. I have it on good authority that Chris King is still crazy about you. Call him, Marli. At the very least, put him on child support. Hell, he’s rich.”

  “Carla…”

  “Okay, okay, I’m kidding. Call him so the two of you can be together again.”

  “Carla, can I tell you something?” I asked in a tiny voice.

  “Yeah, you know you can tell me anything.”

  I released a ragged sigh. “I do still love him, and I’ve wanted to call him. I’ve wanted to answer his calls, too. I’m just scared, Carla. I’m scared of being hurt again.”

  “Marli, are you any better off being without him and still loving him? Are you any less hurt?”

  “No.”

  “Look, I almost let my pain over Bryan’s cheating cause me to lose not only my family, but my soul. I deserted my own kids, and I was committing more sins than I could keep track of because being in pain can make you do some really stupid stuff. Now, we might never truly work things out, but I love Bryan and my sons enough to try. If you don’t pull yourself together, you’re gonna lose Chris forever. Don’t be stupid. Call him.”

  “What if it’s too late? What if he has someone else?”

  “It’s not and he doesn’t. Call him. As good as he is? You’d be a fool to just let him go.”

  I nodded as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “Okay, I will. But there’s something I need to take care of first. Something my prayer partner and I are working on.”

  “Don’t wait too late, Marli.”

  “I won’t.”

  “And Marli, you deserve to be happy. Don’t ever forget that.”

  “Thank you, Carla.”

  ~*~

  I closed my eyes and followed the directions of my prayer partner, Jeanine, regarding Theophositc prayer. I wasn’t sure if it would work, but I was definitely willing to give it a try. At that point in my life, I was willing to give most anything a try.

  I tried to remember the very first time I felt like I wasn't good enough—like I was unlovable. I thought back to when I was a little girl, to all of the times my mother and father said hurtful things to me, to all of the times they used my flaws to hurt one another. I remembered the times I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough. I could hear my parents’ critical words ringing in my ears. I could feel the inadequacy as it pierced my very soul.

  I felt so alone then—so abandoned, so hurt, so unloved. I remembered the little girl that I was then. I could see the sadness in her eyes, feel the sheer loneliness that she felt. I wanted to hug her and to tell her that she was a good girl—that she was good enough for love, that she deserved love.

  And in that moment, I understood me for the first time in my life. I understood why I made the decisions I made in the past. And I understood that I deserved much better than I’d ever given myself.

  Then, as instructed, I offered a prayer to God:

  “Dear Lord, please take all of the hurt and pain I felt then, and still feel today, and bind it with Your love. Heal the broken pieces of my heart, Lord, and make me whole. Take the lies that the enemy has convinced me are true from my mind.

  “The enemy says I am not good enough, but You say I'm good enough to die for. He says I'm ugly, but You say I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says I'm unlovable, but You say Your love for me endures forever. He says I'll always be messed up, but You say You have forgotten my sins and will never remember them again. He says I have no future. You say You have already made plans for my future—good plans.

  “Thank you, Lord, for loving me and forgiving me. I will never forget Your truths and I will no longer believe the enemy's lies. In Jesus' name, amen.”

  I took a deep breath, released it, and smiled.

  ~*~

  It was a month to the day after my conversation with Carla that I finally dialed Chris's number. I was ready to talk to him. I was ready to tell him about the baby, our baby. And if he would still have me, I was ready to be his wife.

  The phone rang a few times, and then his voice mail picked up. This is Chris. Leave a message. The sound of his voice pricked at my heart. It was a voice I’d grown accustomed to hearing all the time. I’d missed hearing it.

  After the tone, I said, “Chris, um, it’s Marli. Please call me back. Okay, bye.”

  I laid the phone down and stared at it for a few seconds. Please God, let it not be too late. I stood from the table, but before I could take one step, my phone began to buzz. I picked it up and checked the screen. It was Chris. My hand trembled, and my heart raced as I pressed the button to accept the call and put the phone up to my ear.

  “Hello?” I said softly.

  “Hello? Marli?” Chris replied.

  I closed my eyes and sighed. It was all I could do not to cry. He sounded so good. “Yeah, it’s me.”

  “Wow, I’m glad you called. We were doing a sound check and I didn’t hear my phone. When I saw a missed call from you, I thought I was hallucinating. I can’t believe it’s really you. Man, you sound good. How’ve you been?”

  “I’m fine. You sound like you’re doing better.”

  “I am. I’m a lot better, actually, but I miss you. I’m so glad to hear from you.”

  “I… I miss you, too. Um, we need to talk. You know, whenever you get a free moment. I know you’re busy on the road.”

  “Yeah, it’s kinda hectic, but I’m learning so much from Herb. He’s an awesome musician. He wants me to join the band full time.”

  I gulped. “Oh, well, that’s great, Chris. I knew he’d be impressed with you.”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Chris said, “Hey, I talked to my mom the other day and she said you moved back to Arkansas.”

  “Yeah, Hot Springs.”

  “You like it?”

  “I love it. It’s beautiful here.”

  “I’ve heard. Look, I really wanna see you, Marli. I wish you would come to the show tonight.”

  “Um, where is it? I’m really not too big on long-distance driving or flying these days.” Because I’m pregnant.

  “Well, God must be in the plan because we’re in Arkansas. Little Rock. At the Peabody. Will you come? I’ll leave a ticket at the door for you.”

  I looked down at my belly. This wasn’t exactly how I’d planned on him finding out about the baby. But then again, I really didn’t have a plan for that at all, did I?

  Maybe I should just go ahead and tell him now. “Chris—”

  “I just wanna see you, and this way we can talk face-to-face. Will you come?”

  I sighed. “Um, okay. What time does the show start?”

  “Nine. I’m glad you’re coming. See you then.”

  Twenty-Five

  “Soldier of Love”

  Dressed in a knee-length, black, trapeze-style dress and modest, black heels, I entered the ballroom at The Peabody and snagged a table near the back. I surveyed the room, ordered a ginger ale from a passing waiter, and awaited the start of the show.

  Twenty minutes later, the sold-out room darkened and was filled with the low murmurs of an excited crowd of jazz enthusiasts. I leaned forward and tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to use the restroom when I knew that I did. I decided to try and hold it through the first half of the show. I didn’t want to risk losing my table or miss a single note of music, so I gripped my legs tightly together and clapped my hands as the announcer took to the small stage.

  “Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a night of smooth jazz at The Peabody!” said the short, stocky Hispanic man. “Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sounds of the Herb Gentry Ensemble!”

  I watched as the spotlight spread to reveal the
entire band. There were two keyboardists, a drummer, an acoustic guitar player, a trombone player, Herb Gentry, himself, on saxophone, and Chris to the right of Herb with his trumpet. I had to fight back tears when I saw him. He looked good, very good—like the sunshine after a bad thunderstorm. His hair now fell to his shoulders and he was sporting a neat goatee. He wore a black suit and black dress shirt—unbuttoned to reveal his toned chest. Around his neck hung a platinum chain and on his wrist, a matching bracelet which gleamed beneath the stage lights.

  I wiped a single tear from my cheek and thanked God that the room was dark and that I was too far back for anyone to notice me.